It’s hard to say goodbye

As we age I guess we wonder more what life is about. I certainly do. Maybe because there is more behind us than there is in front, who knows. We learn to appreciate what we lived more, the things that matter to us and in our lives.

I don’t have a family, for a long time it was just my parents and for years now it’s just been me. I’ve moved around and ‘home’ has been a much more elusive term than one might think. The one constant or rather anchor in my life have been my friends. Life feels to me like a collection of precious memories, of moments shared, feelings, thoughts that make time last, that make the day well lived.

The moments I was lucky to spend with Susan were definitely very well lived! They were sadly mostly online and far too few in person, but I feel lucky the universe did give us that afternoon in London a few years ago. I loved reading her, I loved responding, I loved the way she got the cogs of my mind moving, the way she made me rethink and reconsider, they way she engaged my heart and my emotions, the way she made me laugh. I remember indulging endless hours of tailoring chat about a certain actor, analysing characters and subjects and stories. But there was so much more, history and people, parents and life in general and food talk, history talk, politics talk, theatre talk.

I think her students were so lucky to have her, I wish I had teachers like her in school, to open my mind and challenge me, but also support me, to show me strength of character. I think we’ll never truly know how generous she was of heart and spirit, how much she gave to others, not just in time, but in mind, support. It’s hard to explain how present she was for all of us, in spite of geographical distance, in spite of adversity and people’s prejudices.

I was so hopeful and happy for her to have her own house, to start a new chapter in life, to enjoy some peace and do her own thing. Loved talking cheese and seasonal recipes. Loved reminiscing all things RA, loved chatting things ‘German’.

I was looking forward to August, to a new birthday post and reminiscing old RA times. I was hopeful she’d come back to London sometime soon and we’d get more time together in person…

It is hard to not be angry at the universe for taking Susan away so soon, so suddenly. I don’t think I’m able to say goodbye. I can only try to remember that the loss I feel is because she mattered so much, because she was such a lovely friend and I was so so lucky to have had the chance to meet her and have her in my life, even if for much too short a time.

My only regret is that I don’t know if we were able to enrich her life, the way she did ours; I hope the fact she spend time sharing with us over the years means we did give at least a bit back.

Thank you Susan for being my friend, thank you for giving me years of memories.

zikhronah livrakha