Readers will know why

It only took John Proctor and it only takes a few seconds of the trailer to bring all memories back 🙂 Feel free to browse back in the block for all my thoughts back then, still my thoughts now.

And i enjoy listening to him talk about work as much as i like seeing him at work.

And there was this ‘Guy’ 🙂 Truly one of a kind, unforgettable!

And i miss this one a lot as well, used to walk past a mega poster of my favourite spy every day until a couple years ago when we changed buildings.

and there are many more, of course.

Hopefully many more to come as well, on stage, on screen, in our ears 😉 I do crave a character who would accompany us a couple of years at least or who would touch as as deeply as Proctor did. Here’s to complex, relatable characters and may i ask for a writer who can sprinkle a sense of irony and some humour over the character, i really miss that.

A Present for Richard Armitage [Donation Transferred] #2019RABirthdayAuctions

Wonderful celebrations!

Guylty Pleasure

It is done! For the first time in four years I have actually managed to transfer the donation from Richard’s birthday auctions on the day of his birthday. Before I get to the sum, I would like to give you all another pat on the back. The raised funds turned out to be bigger than I had imagined. In fact, they are four times as much than I had modestly calculated when I set the starting prices for the auctions. Even the fact that I had to deduct the eBay fees did not throw us back beyond the last milepost. That is due to the generous donations that kept coming in after the auctions ended. Thank you very much to everyone who took part, donors, bidders, supporters. You rock!

And so let me show you the accounts for the 2019 RA Birthday Auctions.

However, the important bit is the following…

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Freesias

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Are the flowers of the season; i love their delicate fragrance and they were my mum’s favourite flowers. She would have turned 70 yesterday.

We watched opera videos together at Christmas and enjoyed some belcanto. We watched cooking programmes and soppy Christmas movies. I was so pleased she ate a bit more because she liked the turkey schnitzel and marrow with dill i managed to rustle up. I even found the cider she liked. On my last call before Xmas travel she encouraged me to buy a pair of trainers in a silvery purple colour which i was tempted by but unsure about, because she said ‘why not if they’re comfy and you like them’. Two days before leaving after New Year’s i spontaneously decided to unwrap and give her her 70th birthday present early because i knew i wouldn’t be there for her birthday and i wanted to be there when she opened it.

I felt particularly sad leaving as we’ve no other family left and every time i visit i feel they have aged a bit more. And i knew i had reached the point where i had to do things against or without their agreement to try and sort the house out and get them more help.

I’ve just gotten back from 2 weeks at home for my mum’s funeral; she passed in hospital in her sleep just 2 weeks ago. Even as i write it ,it doesn’t sink in and i don’t know how or what to feel about it. It’s just been people and stuff and doing things and now that i’m back here in London i still expect to hear her voice over the phone or be able to comment something i’ve seen on telly or tried in the kitchen. And every 5 mins i keep thinking and wondering if she is in peace, somewhere, somehow….

I also feel i wasn’t able to do for her what i/we did for one of my best friends who passed last September due to secondary breast cancer… Really be there at the end, try and give some comfort, or just hold her hand, say good bye… Or even have a memorial service filled with the things she loved and she’ll be remembered by.

Then again there is not much meaning to things i think these days. Loosing mum 2 weeks after seeing her, loosing my friend, who was my age to a disease with no rhyme and reason. Even loosing my home of 12 years in a matter of 6 weeks just a couple months before and ending up living in a shoe box with blocked drains and red ants…

And in the middle of this deciding early December to take on a 6 months attachment at work in another area for which i turn out to be over qualified just because i’d been at a stressful dead end for more than 18 months… Only to end up being a bit useless due to absence. To be fair the job nightmare has been paling into energy-less indifference over the last 6 months. It feels a bit pointless to care. Though i am back at work as of today and chugging along out of a sense of responsibility towards the groups of strangers at work who have been saddled with me for a couple more months until i return by default at present to my old duties. Or maybe just out of inertia. It’s what i started to feel last summer, though back then the exhaustion was overwhelmingly physical. As if, if i sat down and stopped i’d never get back up again.

Thinking back to the fact that before Christmas i was trying to gather some energy out of thin air to look forward to RA’s presence in London and looking into flower crowns and wondering about accommodation and such i feel like i am living in parallel universes.

The human mind is still a strange thing, i do wonder these days, most days actually, how come it’s still functioning, getting me up in the morning, getting me through the day. I somehow expect that the next day something will be irrevocably broken. And wonder why it hasn’t yet?

I’m glad mum got to see Florence. I wish i had looked for some freesias after Christmas…