Freesias

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Are the flowers of the season; i love their delicate fragrance and they were my mum’s favourite flowers. She would have turned 70 yesterday.

We watched opera videos together at Christmas and enjoyed some belcanto. We watched cooking programmes and soppy Christmas movies. I was so pleased she ate a bit more because she liked the turkey schnitzel and marrow with dill i managed to rustle up. I even found the cider she liked. On my last call before Xmas travel she encouraged me to buy a pair of trainers in a silvery purple colour which i was tempted by but unsure about, because she said ‘why not if they’re comfy and you like them’. Two days before leaving after New Year’s i spontaneously decided to unwrap and give her her 70th birthday present early because i knew i wouldn’t be there for her birthday and i wanted to be there when she opened it.

I felt particularly sad leaving as we’ve no other family left and every time i visit i feel they have aged a bit more. And i knew i had reached the point where i had to do things against or without their agreement to try and sort the house out and get them more help.

I’ve just gotten back from 2 weeks at home for my mum’s funeral; she passed in hospital in her sleep just 2 weeks ago. Even as i write it ,it doesn’t sink in and i don’t know how or what to feel about it. It’s just been people and stuff and doing things and now that i’m back here in London i still expect to hear her voice over the phone or be able to comment something i’ve seen on telly or tried in the kitchen. And every 5 mins i keep thinking and wondering if she is in peace, somewhere, somehow….

I also feel i wasn’t able to do for her what i/we did for one of my best friends who passed last September due to secondary breast cancer… Really be there at the end, try and give some comfort, or just hold her hand, say good bye… Or even have a memorial service filled with the things she loved and she’ll be remembered by.

Then again there is not much meaning to things i think these days. Loosing mum 2 weeks after seeing her, loosing my friend, who was my age to a disease with no rhyme and reason. Even loosing my home of 12 years in a matter of 6 weeks just a couple months before and ending up living in a shoe box with blocked drains and red ants…

And in the middle of this deciding early December to take on a 6 months attachment at work in another area for which i turn out to be over qualified just because i’d been at a stressful dead end for more than 18 months… Only to end up being a bit useless due to absence. To be fair the job nightmare has been paling into energy-less indifference over the last 6 months. It feels a bit pointless to care. Though i am back at work as of today and chugging along out of a sense of responsibility towards the groups of strangers at work who have been saddled with me for a couple more months until i return by default at present to my old duties. Or maybe just out of inertia. It’s what i started to feel last summer, though back then the exhaustion was overwhelmingly physical. As if, if i sat down and stopped i’d never get back up again.

Thinking back to the fact that before Christmas i was trying to gather some energy out of thin air to look forward to RA’s presence in London and looking into flower crowns and wondering about accommodation and such i feel like i am living in parallel universes.

The human mind is still a strange thing, i do wonder these days, most days actually, how come it’s still functioning, getting me up in the morning, getting me through the day. I somehow expect that the next day something will be irrevocably broken. And wonder why it hasn’t yet?

I’m glad mum got to see Florence. I wish i had looked for some freesias after Christmas…

32 thoughts on “Freesias

  1. Dear Hariclea, I am so sorry to hear about your mother, so sorry for your loss! Sending you my warmest hugs and thoughts!
    It’s that strange paradox between being paralyzed with grief and clinging to the everyday routine – or a paRAllel universe from time to time – that keeps us going…
    I wish you all the best, love and energy to help you through these times, to take your time for mourning and to cherish the memory of your loved mother!
    X

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  2. My dear Hariclea,
    every event you wrote about in this post is truly sad itself but together it sure means heartbreak and grief and I am so sorry for that and for your loss!
    I wish I could say anything to make you feel better but I am not sure if there are such words at the moment.
    So, I send you all my love, thoughts and prayers instead.
    Please take care!!!
    {{{Hugs}}}

    Liked by 2 people

    • thank you for your support, i really appreciate each and every word and hug! I think one thing i’ve started to realise is that, however difficult, i do need to talk about these things a bit. It makes them more real, otherwise it just feel all surreal. It makes one see life very differently.. x

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Dearest Hari – your post made me well up (which doesn’t happen that easily), because I can feel your pain quite literally. I am so, so sorry that you lost your mother. But I am even sorrier that it had to happen like this, while you were far away, and unable to give her what you gave your friend last summer. But please, please know that you did all you could, and never feel guilty or regretful. You had a wonderful Christmas together, and you shared many happy hours. I hope you can soon cherish the memories without any guilt – and eventually without sadness, too.
    As for work – stupid, annoying, but not worth wasting your energy at this point in time. I know there are other exciting things coming. Even if you feel caught up in past and present right now, look forward to the future!
    You may have forgotten, but for Christmas you gave me a beautiful and very sweet smelling scented candle from Rituals. I had it burning all week ever since you sent me the sad news two weeks ago. And with the candle wax getting burnt up, the candle jar has gradually revealed a maxim that is printed on the jar. As so often, I do not think this can be a coincidence – it fits too well for right now: “Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.” That’s what I wish for you.
    Lots of love!

    Liked by 4 people

    • Aw i didn’t realise that about their jars.. somebody really put a lot of thought in their things, i really really appreciate that.
      I’m sad about so many things and i really didn’t do enough… but i can’t change it now. All i can do is hope and pray she was in peace and that she did remember how much i loved her and our nice moments together, i try to. We’re so stupid in life, we really are. Always thinking there will be another time, more time… And then we wish we had done so much more. I wish i could go back in time and teach myself that years ago.

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      • Oh, Hari. I feel tearful again, reading this. I know. The immediate feeling after losing a parent, is regret and guilt, and fear that we may not have done enough for them. But no, don’t think it. She knew you loved her and appreciated her and valued all she ever did for you. Because you always kept in touch and you went home so often to take care of her and your dad. You have nothing to regret. And in case there was the occasional harsh word here and there – they happen, they are normal, and they are not what define a relationship.

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    • and thank you for everything!! one thing i realised as well is the way life surprises you, how people disappoint you very much when you need them most and other surprise you with their love and support and generosity xx

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      • (((((HUGS))))) The disappointment and pain always overshadows it, but eventually, over time, I think it is the love and the support that you will remember. In any case, you deserve lots of love and good thoughts right now, and I am sending it every time I light that beautiful candle…

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Dear Hariclea,
    I don’t think we’ve spoken directly but I’ve seen your posts around. So I hope it’s okay to come here and tell you how sorry I am for your loss. Having gone through a similar experience myself, perhaps I can understand a little of how you must feel. To have so much other upheaval going on in your life at the same time must make it all even more difficult for you. I hope you can find comfort in the love and support of friends (and relative strangers too.)

    With very best wishes and deepest condolences,

    Jenny.

    Liked by 1 person

    • thank you very much, all support matters is all i can say, it does make a difference. I have missed writing very much and i have been reading all this time. Hopefully i’ll be able to write again, but it just felt like airing these things in public was not the right thing to do for a long time..

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  5. Dear Hariclea,
    There are no words that can make it better at a time like this, but a friend once told me after she lost her daughter-in-law that the worst thing you can do is not to say anything at all. I’m deeply sorry for your loss and I‘m sending you positive energy.
    To the day when freesias will make you smile once more!
    ~Kate

    Liked by 1 person

    • thanks very much, i know very well how difficult it is to say anything in these circumstances; I hardly know what to say myself. But it comes from a place of kindness and that is what comes across and is much appreciated! xx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Dear Hariclea – I am so sorry for your loss, and your feelings of helplessness that you weren’t there with your mum at the end. But you saw her just before, and that’s something, and I bet she really treasured your visit. We all have times when we aren’t able to do what we would like for our family, because of time and distance. I wasn’t with either my mother or my father when they died, and
    I regret it. My mother-in-law lived in America and we visited her as often as we could. She always said “come and see me while I’m alive, not when I’m dead.” You did that, and you went home for the leave-taking too.

    This is not the time to worry about work, you are grieving and can’t be expected to think rationally about whether you’re in the right place or not. You also sound very depressed, with good reason, and it might be good to see your GP and see if he or she can help you in the short term. Don’t be hard on yourself. Take time to come to terms with this loss, and adapt to a new phase of life. Much love. Xxxx 😔

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks a mill Helen, all thoughts and kindness are immensely appreciated. I hope there will be a time for a bit of peace , who knows. One thing i’ve realised is that we are not in control of what happens at all. I’m in a way grateful that given circumstances i can still function because i have no choice. I hope there will be time to reflect more and find some peace. And i hope there will be more time spent with friends in the future too, i hope for less regrets i guess.

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  7. Dear Hariclea,
    My very deepest sympathies. I feel your loss and pain in the words you have shared with us all. I am so sorry, I wish there was something I could say. It was so wonderful that you could spend that special time with your mother at Christmas, I know she felt loved and cared for by you.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Liebe Hariclea,
    es tut mir leid zu hören, dass du gerade eine so traurige Zeit durchleben musst. Ich fühle mit dir und hoffe, dass bald die schönen und liebevollen Erinnerungen wieder im Vordergrund stehen können, wenn du an deine Mutter denkst.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Liebe Hari,
    es tut mir so unendlich leid, ich weiss nicht was ich sagen soll. Ich schicke Dir eine dicke Umarmung, big hugs ❤
    Ich werde Dich bald ganz fest persönlich drücken, versprochen!
    Ich wünsche Dir ganz viel Kraft für die nächsten Wochen, alles alles Liebe ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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  11. I am so late reading this. So so so very sorry for your losses and the difficult time you’re going through!! Just sent you an e-mail. All my love and (((HUGS))).

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