Freesias

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Are the flowers of the season; i love their delicate fragrance and they were my mum’s favourite flowers. She would have turned 70 yesterday.

We watched opera videos together at Christmas and enjoyed some belcanto. We watched cooking programmes and soppy Christmas movies. I was so pleased she ate a bit more because she liked the turkey schnitzel and marrow with dill i managed to rustle up. I even found the cider she liked. On my last call before Xmas travel she encouraged me to buy a pair of trainers in a silvery purple colour which i was tempted by but unsure about, because she said ‘why not if they’re comfy and you like them’. Two days before leaving after New Year’s i spontaneously decided to unwrap and give her her 70th birthday present early because i knew i wouldn’t be there for her birthday and i wanted to be there when she opened it.

I felt particularly sad leaving as we’ve no other family left and every time i visit i feel they have aged a bit more. And i knew i had reached the point where i had to do things against or without their agreement to try and sort the house out and get them more help.

I’ve just gotten back from 2 weeks at home for my mum’s funeral; she passed in hospital in her sleep just 2 weeks ago. Even as i write it ,it doesn’t sink in and i don’t know how or what to feel about it. It’s just been people and stuff and doing things and now that i’m back here in London i still expect to hear her voice over the phone or be able to comment something i’ve seen on telly or tried in the kitchen. And every 5 mins i keep thinking and wondering if she is in peace, somewhere, somehow….

I also feel i wasn’t able to do for her what i/we did for one of my best friends who passed last September due to secondary breast cancer… Really be there at the end, try and give some comfort, or just hold her hand, say good bye… Or even have a memorial service filled with the things she loved and she’ll be remembered by.

Then again there is not much meaning to things i think these days. Loosing mum 2 weeks after seeing her, loosing my friend, who was my age to a disease with no rhyme and reason. Even loosing my home of 12 years in a matter of 6 weeks just a couple months before and ending up living in a shoe box with blocked drains and red ants…

And in the middle of this deciding early December to take on a 6 months attachment at work in another area for which i turn out to be over qualified just because i’d been at a stressful dead end for more than 18 months… Only to end up being a bit useless due to absence. To be fair the job nightmare has been paling into energy-less indifference over the last 6 months. It feels a bit pointless to care. Though i am back at work as of today and chugging along out of a sense of responsibility towards the groups of strangers at work who have been saddled with me for a couple more months until i return by default at present to my old duties. Or maybe just out of inertia. It’s what i started to feel last summer, though back then the exhaustion was overwhelmingly physical. As if, if i sat down and stopped i’d never get back up again.

Thinking back to the fact that before Christmas i was trying to gather some energy out of thin air to look forward to RA’s presence in London and looking into flower crowns and wondering about accommodation and such i feel like i am living in parallel universes.

The human mind is still a strange thing, i do wonder these days, most days actually, how come it’s still functioning, getting me up in the morning, getting me through the day. I somehow expect that the next day something will be irrevocably broken. And wonder why it hasn’t yet?

I’m glad mum got to see Florence. I wish i had looked for some freesias after Christmas…